French's International Copyrighter^ (in England, her Colonies, and 
the United States) Editija oi lae Works of the Best Authors 



BUNK 



n 



OR 

The Shov^ Down Shown Up 

J" 

A MELLOW-DRAMA 

IN ONLY ONE ACT (THANK GOODNESS) 



BY 

HENRY CLAPP SMITH « 

o 

o 

(with apologies to the actors' fair, LONDON, • 

JULY, I916.) Z 

it 
o 

Copyright, 1918, By Samuel French. o 

CAUTION.— The professional acting rights of " BUNK " are 
reserved, and ali applications for the professional act- 
ing rights should be made direct to Samuel French,. 
28 West 38th St., New York. Amateurs may produce 
"'BUNK" without payment of royalty. 

PRICE 25 CENTS. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38tu Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



BUNK 



OR 



The Show Down Shown Up 



A MELLOW-DRAMA 



IN ONLY ONE ACT ( THANK GOODNESS) 



BY 



HENRY CLAPP SMITH 



(WITH APOLOGIES TO THE ACTORS' FAIR, LONDON, 

JULY, I916.) 



Copyright, 1918, By Samuel French. 



CxlUTION.— The professional acting rights of " BUNK " are 
reserved, and all applications for the professional act- 
ing rights should be made direct to Samuel French, 
28 West 38th St., New York. Amateurs may produce 
" BUNK " without payment of royalty. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 West 38th STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 



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TMP96~007i74 



C1,D 50586 



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1918 



BUNK 



CAST 

Lady Agatha Allrope Miss Pringle 

Sir Gerald -. Mr. Prentiss 

Baron Badmans .' Villain 

Officer, (And Prompter) 
Mr. Ivor Waitinground 
George 
Joe 

3 



BUNK 



COSTUMES 

t 

.■* 

Miss Pringle. Gorgeous evening dress, the 
more daring the better, gaudy colors preferred. 
When she first enters she has over this a rather 
smart cloak of some kind, preferably an opera 
cloak. 

The Baron. Has a black tousled wig, a thin 
black moustache turning up at the ends, and much 
better than a real one ; make this moustache with 
a stick of black grease paint turning the ends like 
watch springs. Low deep black eyebrows and 
bright pink cheeks. He wears a black coat, bright 
checked trousers, fancy four-in-hand tie, carries 
a riding crop and smokes a cigarette. 

Gerald. Dresses like the " Man in White," 
white sporting shirt, immaculate white flannel 
trousers, white shoes. When he first enters and 
asks for his trousers he puts a rain coat or big 
bath towel around his waist so it is not noticeable 
to the audience that he already has his trousers on. 
His hair must be immaculately combed and brushed. 
He is the matinee hero. 

The Prompter. Wears an ordinary business 
suit. If it is hot he can take his coat off, but if 
he has a big officer's coat to put on over his own 
coat the effect is much funnier. The old New York 
policeman's coat with a gray helmet and a reri 
wig is most satisfactory; and the moustache should 
be made with a wire that holds it to the nose so it 



BUNK 5 

Can be quickly adjusted and taken of¥ in plain sight 
of the audience. 

Mr. Waitinground. Should be dressed in im- 
maculate full dress suit, silk hat, eye glass or mon- 
ocle, white gloves and an Inverness cloak or cape, 
thrown back so as to disclose his white shirt front, 
a large bunch of violets, real or artificial, which he 
usually holds in front of him with both hands. 

George and Joe. In ordinary shirts, minus col- 
lar and tie, and the neck band unbuttoned, pair of 
light blue and white striped overalls. 



BUNK 



(Scene on and off the stage.) 

Scene: Curtain rises disclosing two-thirds of left 
of stage hidden by curtain zvhich is dozvn and 
known as A section. B section is the remaining 
section stage right: It is " off " scenes and 
shows wind machine, drum, tin crash lightning, 
etc. Three camp-stools, doors l. and r. 

Setting: Section A. table left center zvith 
telephone on it, a chair hack of it, another 
chair, small chair, down right. Another small 
chair up center. One zvindozv right of center 
is made of architect's drazving cloth outlined 
like zvindozv pane's, and a solid piece of card- 
board in back with forked lightning cut out 
so electric light suddenly lit behind it shozvs a 
very obvious streak of lightning. The setting 
is most any interior, a gaudy one of course is 
more amusing, and a flat celling if possible. 

Section B : Looks best if the hack of flats 
are used and there are odds and ends of braces 
and other stage paraphernalia shozving. Furni- 
ture and effects described later in text. 

Note: In all action in B. Section zvhich is 
" off stage " the characters must he very na- 
tural and be entirely different from the' paints 
they assume in the play. Lady Agatha chezvs 
gum, talks through her nose, and is decidedly 
tough. Sir Gerald is happy go lucky, and might 
almost be termed fresh. The Baron is rather 

7 



8 BUNK 

conceited and stupid, and he and Sir Gerald 
are really quite chummy " off stage'' 

The Prompter is very abusive- in his hand- 
ling of the stage hands, rather bored with the ^ 
actors and quite evidently stuck on the leading | 
lady. When the Prompter becomes the Officer I 
he is more or less the usual comedy policeman. | 
Mr. Waitinground is nervous and is always ^ 
thoroughly interested in the shoiv, and goes ^ 
through all the emotions in pantomime " off } 
stage " that the leading lady goes- through on 
the stage. George and Joe are stupid and bored 
and never smile. . i 

George. Well ! I wants to tell you about a dog. 

Joe. What kind of a dog. 

George. Well, that's the story ! This were a 
dog 

Officer. {Entering c.) Stage set? Effects 
ready? {Comes doivn right breezily, stands by 
door R.) 

George and Joe. Yuss. 

Officer. Where's Miss Pringle? 

George. She ain't here yet. '^ 

Joe. She's alius late. , 

Officer. Now, boys, you're sure you under- 
stand when she says : ** Be it that which is," 

you 

.George. Gives her thunder. {Doing so) 

Officer. No! No! No! 

Joe. . That's what's we did larst rehearsal. 

Officer. And it was all wrong, you blockhead. 
The thunder comes when she says I'm a ruined 
woman for the third time. 

Joe. I got yer governor on the " which is " we 
touches off the lightning. {Does so) 

Officer. No, no ! I'll tell you when. You just 
forget everything you know — that ought to be 



BUNK 9 

easy and I'll say light— then you give me lightning 
and thunder for thunder — do you see? 
George and Joe. Yuss. 

{In the " off-stage '' section there are two seats side 
by side center. George sits left, Joe right. 
Betzvecn them is the electric szvitch for the 
lightning and the other lights. The red and 
green lights are side by side back of the zvindow 
in Section A,; only one can be lit at a time. 
Lightning shozvs in this same zvindow — any big 
biilb zvill do. All lights are controlled by Joe. 
Back of them is the zvind machine zvith a handle 
so that Joe can zvork it. On the floor in front 
are the horse-feet and other necessary traps. 
Dozvn left against the partition leading to 
Section A. is the chair the Prompter uses. On 
it is the policeman's coat, under it the belt and 
stick and helmet, false moustache and wig. 
Against the front of it leans a Bass drum in 
easy reach of George's left hand for the thun- 
der. If possible .up left beyond the door lead- 
ing to Section A. a piece of tin is hung for the 
crash thunder, which George also works with 
his left hand, in this case hitting the drum zvith 
the right hand. Prompter exits to Section A 
through door left. Miss Pringle enters c. — 
is follozved immediately by Waitingrou'nd, 
who holds violets and stands in the zvay of 
others and after she goes r. into dressing-room, 
sighs and looks love sick.) 

George. I was telling yer about this dog 



(Promptor enters from A. through door left zvith 
camp-stool or stage brace catching Mr. Wait- 
INGROUND in the back.) 



10 



BUNK 



Officer. (To Waitinground) We're ringing 
up in a minute if vou wouldn't mind! 

Gerald. (Enters zvith towel around him) Has 
any one seen my trousers the tailor promised to 

return 

George. Hey, Joe, you're sittm on them. 

(Gerald grabs package and exits sputtering. 
Package should he flat and very rumpled.) 

Waitinground. Is Miss Pringle's cold better? 

Jce. Well, yes and no— but be careful of them 
ilowers Mr., she's s^ot hay fever she has. A rose 
cold I think she call it. 

Waitinground. Oh ! ! 

George. I was telling you about this dog-- — 

Villain. I'm ready — go ahead — watch us to- 
night in the stabbing scene. I'm not sure of my 
lines — " On Africa's sunny slopes," etc. 

Officer. I'll watch yer. 

Villain. Where's Miss Pringle? Why don't 
we begin ! I'm ready. 

Officer. Just a minute. Just a minute. What's 
the idea, something new? Ain't you going to wear 
a necktie in this scene? 

Villain. Bah! (Exits c.) 

George. Well, about this dog I was telling 
you 

Miss Pringle. All right. (Entering r.) Mr. 
Parsons did any of the boys find some of my dia- 
mond and ruby bracelets to-day. I must have left 
them on the stage last night — Oh, Mr. Waiting- 
round, how nice of you. [Conz'erses in whispers up- 
stage) 

George. Well, this dog Joe was 

Officer. Now, Boys, don't forget lightning. 
First thing the crash then the rumble, and when I 
say " strong " make it strong ; don't be afraid to 
make it heavy-r-and watch me do you hear? 



BUNK 11 

George and Joe. Yuss. 

George. And this dog was about 

Villain. Don't hold it. I'm here. {Sees Miss 
Pringle. Paces back and forth like a Villain) 
Come, come the public can't be kept waiting. 
Ready! Ready! Call! {Cough) 

Miss Pringle. {Comes dozvn, gives Villain 
one zvithering look — silencing Villain) Now, 
we're all here, we might begin. 

Officer. Clear! (Miss Pringle goes l. on 
stage) Curtairf cue. (Joe hits floor tvith hammer 
3 times. Officer raises curtain) 

Miss Pringle. {In great emotion sitting by the 
table) Oh! where is Gerald and will he fail me at 
this moment. What shall I do if the Baron comes! 
What shall I say? {More emotion) Was ever 
woman tortured like this before, and such a night — 
this terrible storm 

{Nervous groan should accompany the text.) 

Officer. Storm ! 

(George and Jce business. The Officer gives his 
commands the same as a Sergeant zvould drill 
men in a manual.) 

Pringle. And lightning. 
Officer. Lightning. 

(George and Joe business.) 

Pringle. {With emotion) Oh! Wliy am I 
but a frail woman ! 

Officer. Storm! Lightning! Storm! {Bus- 
iness) 

Irixgle. Oh! Oh! And think of Gerald— If 
the yacht should miss the habror opening — Ah ! The 



12 BUNK 

rocks, (Listens) the lighthouse horn. (Shud- 
ders) 
Officer. Horn ! 

(George and Joe business. PrinGle shudders — * 

horn — shudders. ) 

{bJoisQ of horn is made by zvhistling and singing d 
deep note; at the same time George ajid Joe 
led by the Prompter muke this as wailing as 
possible. IV hen they stop Miss PringlE 
shudders. Aetion is repeated. Mr. Waiting- 
round %vho has become interested tries the 
noise by himself, and «is the others have stopped 
he finds to his embarrassment he is making 
this sound alone, and the others glare him into 
silence.) 

Pringle. If Gerald's lost Pm a ruined woman. 
(Sinks on table) 
Officer. " Ruined woman," FIRST time. 

(This speech should be said clearly and evenly as a 
Sentry calls Corporal of the Guard to post 
number i. George and Joe repeat the "Ruined 
woman First tiine" one after the other.) 

Villain. (Enters — stands by -door — curls mus- 
tach. Lozv cough) And art thou lonely without 
me ? 

Pringle. (Looks up sloivly) You! (Said on 
the ascending scale and drawn out to intense 
length) 

Villain. Yes. (Ditto, except descending scale) 

Pringle. Oh ! (Ditto, descending in tones 
lozver) 

Villain. Ah! (Ditto, a horrible gurgling 
shiver) 



BUNK 13 

Pringle. Ughhh ! 

Villain. And where is Gerald? Ha! Ha! 
Pringle. Don't, Baron! Don't! He's coming, 
I tell you, he's coming. 
Villain. On a night like this ! 

(The word night is accentuated, so it is apparent to 
the audience that he has called the stage hands' 
attention to it.) 

Officer. Storm. 

(George and Joe business.) 

Villain. The yacht will never make the harbor. 
I have changed the channel signals. Do you notice 
the green light yonder? 'Tis the channel buoy, 
which I will have me minions change from green 
to red so Gerald's yacht will founder on the rocks. 

{Pantomime "founder on the rocks" by imitating 
a boat, zvith the right hand, a roiigh sea, com- 
ing up against the left hand fist closed.) 

Villain. Are ye there, me minions ? 

George, Joe and Prompter. Aye! 

\^illain. And will ye do me bidding? 

George, Joe and Prompter. Aye! 

Villain. Then hie ye to the channel buoy and 
change the signal light from green to red so Gerald's 
yacht will founder on the rocks and all on board be 
lost. 

George, Joe and Prompter. Aye! 

Villain. Away and do me bidding. 

(George, Joe, Prompter anrf Waitinground walk 
Jock-step in circle — stamp loudly and growl un- 
til back to original positions, gradually lc^^c:i- 
ing sounds to simulate crozvd going azvay.) 



14 BUNK 

Pringle. You fiend ! You devil incarnate. Why 
is it me fatal beauty attracts such men as you. 

Villain. Lady Agatha how can you reproach me 
with such terms and class me with those scurvy 
Knaves who dare aspire your hand. Am I not fair 
to look upon? 

Pringle. 'Tis but a disguise — you Snake. 

Villain. Madame, I do not offer apples — I offer 
you my heart and hand. (Creep to her on knees) 
Only let me kiss the hem of your garment — let me 
see ihe fire die from your eyes — that fire which 
kindles on my mere approach and wrongs me for I 
am but a slave to your desires, your nimble loafer. 

Officer. Noble lover. (This is prompted 
through the door in a hoarse whisper) 

Villain. Noble lover 

Pringle. (Conveys bright idea) Baron! You 
stoop to kiss my skirt (Takes off receiver of 'phone) 
and yet my heart cries out (To the 'phone) Help! 
Help! Assistance quick (Hangs up 'phone) it 
cannot stand your ardent wooing. 

Villain. Agatha ! 

Pringle. Pm a ruined woman. 

Officer, George and Joe. Ruined woman Twice. 
(This is repeated by all the same as fonnerh) 

Villain. Me soul mate. Me heart's desire. 
(Takes her in arms) Ah! 

(George and Joe business. Joe lights the red light 
here and he and George keep continual thun- 
der and lightning going, but not too loud but 
zvhat the people can be heard.) 

Pringle. Pm a ruined woman. 

Officer. Ruined woman Third time. Storm, 
turn on red light— whistle, thunder. 

Pringle and Villain. The red light. (Wrestle 
from side to side) 



BUNK 15 

(As the villain and heroine embrace they rock from 
side to side, to and from the audience, and 
their lines are alternately said each time their 
heads are toward the audience. They count 
audibly between each statement, " i, 2, 3, the 
Red Light!" Then the other repeats. Then 
"' I, 2, 3, Oh!'' then repeats, and then Mr. 
Waitinground ''off stage'' says "Oh!" in 
an anxious voice in keeping with the former 
''Ohsl") 

PRINGLE. Oh! 

Villain. Oh! 
Waitinground. Oh! 
Officer. Strong. 

{The Prompter zV very intent on all this and puts 
his right foot up on the chair which has the 
drum leaning against it. George cuts loose 
and hits thunder drum. Hits Mr. Waiting- 
round on shirt's bosom and Officer on his foot 
on the chair.) 

Officer. (Dance with pain) Keep it up. 
(George hits him again) ' 

Officer. Not you — Blockheads — wrestle. (Joe 
here turns red light into green light) (To Villain 
and Pringle) Don't drop it. Stop thunder — green 
light. 

(George and Joe — Green light.) 

Pringle. Ah! Saved! Saved! 

Villain. Foiled again. (Pushes Pringle into 
chair) Til call on Marchmont. (Takes 'phone) 
Hello — ^hello, etc. 

Pringle. (Takes paper knife — stabs Villain 
in back. Wails) "Oh!" (Screams) What have I 
done? I've broken my paper knife. 



i6 BUNK 

(George and Joe — noise of horse feet.) 

PrinGlE. The body ! The body ! Oh for a chaise 
longe. (Picks up Villain, obviously helped by 
Villain; folds him up on floor throzvs rug over him, 
puts tea cosy on top so it looks like an ottofttan — ■ 
puts lamp by it on the floor — listens to horse-feet. 
If in decorating the stage you haven't a lamp or 
tea cozy, etc., a table cover ivill be sufficient) My 
God, Gerald! {Sits on floor leans on ottoman by 
lamp and opens Tozvn Topics) 

(George and Joe — Horse nozv close xvhen motor 

horn blozvs.) 

Officer. Stop it, idiots — the horn not the horse 
— ready, Mr. Prentice. 

Gerald. (Enters. Before entering carefully 
sees that his trousers are perfectly creased, and 
puts on the expression of an Arrozv Collar Adver- 
tisement) Agatha! 

Pringle. (Szveetly) Ah, Gerald. No rubbers 
this stormy night. 

Gerald. How can you speak of rubbers at a 
time like this — My God what a night. (As Gerald 
speaks, George and Joe match coins, and pay no 
attention to Gerald's cue '' zvhat a night.'^ So 
Gerald repeats it in a louder and more emphatic 
voice yelling it at them through the doorzvay. The 
Officer calls them dozvn in dumb pantomime, makes 
the thunder noise himself and then begins to put on 
his officer's coat and zvig, etc.) What a Night, 

Pringle. The yacht. Oh! (Rising) Tell me, 
Gerald. You look distressed. 

Gerald. I am — I must have eaten something — 
but never mind Agatha. (Embraces — looks iip, 
sniffs) 

Pringle. What's the matter? 



BUNK 17 

(This scene is played with great emotion on both 
sides, both in voice and action.) 

Gerald. I sell 471 1 — cologne. 
Pringle. What of that. 

Gerald. The Baron has been here, and kissed 
you ! 

Pringle. No! No! 

Gerald. Yes ! Yes \ 

Pringle. You must be mistaken. 

(In this speech Gerald pantomimes all the action 
zvhich is follozved intensely by Miss Pringle.) 

Gerald. Pm not, I tell you. Pve not been on 
the yacht. Pm in secret service and Pve been trac- 
ing the Baron Badness. Pve traced him by the 
471 1 — Into the Waldorf east to 34th Street and 
then he went into the subway and I lost the scene. 
And he's here I tell you. (Grabs her) Confess. 
(Smells her neck) Unmistakable evidence. 

Pringle. Gerald do you doubt me ? 

Gerald. Not when you look like that. 

Pringle. And all the time- Pve been waiting 
and watching and longing for your return. (Vam- 
p Irish) 

Gerald. There's some catch in this. 

Officer. Plorn. 

(Instead of horn you can substitute sound of a 

motorcycle if George or Joe can make the noise.) 

"» 

George and Joe. Horn. 

Gerald oHf/ Pringle. (Grab each jDther) What's 
that? What's that? 

Officer. (Footsteps. Opens door and leaves it 
open) Pve been sent for, I believe. Whadda you 
want. 



i8 BUNK 

pRiNGLE. Sent for. (Said with great surprise 
and annoyance) 

Gerald. Sent for. (Said zvith incredulity) 

Officer. Yes, a 'phone call to the station- 
house. I'd been here before but I had a job on the 
corner. 

Gerald. Oh! (Accompanies the "Oh!" zvith 
pantomime of drinking and a smile. Officer dis- 
gusted) 

Officer. Some kids were monkeying with the 
Drug-store Hghts. Can't you see the green one 
now? (Points to window. Accent the word 
''green'') 

Pringle. Ah ! h ! h ! (Faints on ottoman who 
groans) 

Gerald. Quick officer! (They pick her up 
and also pull off covering on Baron) 

(The Officer helps Gerald //// Miss Pringle and 
the cover, and as soon as he sees the Baron, the 
Officer is frightened and makes for the exit. 
Officer tip-toes to door.) 

Gerald. (Holding Pringle in one arm) Stop! 

(Officer nearly falls down with fright.) 

Gerald. Hold this. (Passes over Pringle. 
Picks up face of Baron) Ah. The Baron — the 
reward is mine. 

Pringle. (Suddenly revived) Reward? (As 
she stands up straight she knocks off the Officer's 
helmet) 

Gerald. Yes, for the capture of Baron Badness, 
dead or alive, a reward of Twenty-five Thousand 
Dollars is offered by the evening Tribune. 

Pringle. The reward's mine. 

(These next lines are said very conversationally.) 
Gerald. No, dear, mine. 



BUNK 19 

PRINGLE. Mine, I say. 

Gerald. I'm sorry, dear, it's mine. • 

Pringle. I tell you it's 

Gerald. Officer, call a cop. 

Officer. Stop — I wish to say — {Forgets lines, 
looks around door to prompt book. Officer has 
left the prompt book on his chair " off-stage " so he 
can stand in Section A. and quite visibly, to 
the audience, poke his head through the door into 
Section B. and read his lines from the prompt book 
and ivithdrazv his head and make the speech) Any- 
thing you say will be taken in evidence against you. 
Good-night. {Exit) 

(George and Joe Horse feet off. George and Joe 
zvho start horsefeet before Officer exits from 
the room.) 

Officer. Hush. 

Pringle. Gerald. 

Gerald. Agatha. Twenty-five Thousand Dol- 
lars to buy a square meal with, 

Pringle. Twenty-five Thousand Dollars to 
buy Liberty Bonds with. 

Gerald. What do you wish to tell me, love. 

Pringle. The child is still in London. 

(Gerald embraces Miss Pringle, and they stand 
there with spotlight on them, if you have it in 
the true position with all melodrama heroes 
and heroines in the play. The words should be 
said with a very rich and unctuous voice.) 

Officer. Hold it — 'take your call — Curtain. 

(The Officer gives the cast as many curtain calls 
The Officer gives the cast as many curtain calls 
as the real audience demands) — once again — whew. 
{The Baron has risen and is very much alive, and 



20 BUNK 

stands stage left. Miss Pringle center. Gerald 
stage right. They bozv to the audience and to each 
other. Then as the Baron and Gerald exit to Sec- 
tion B, Gerald says, '' Will yon have a Fatima, 
'Mike," and the Baron says, " Thank you Gus/' and 
the two go up and off pleasantly together. Prompter 
sits in camp-chair) 

(Baron and Gerald exit and walk off. Pringle 
comes last, smiles szveetly at Waitinground 
and says) 

Pringle. " Oh, Mr. Waitinground, Pm sorry 
not to have supper with you to-night but my hus- 
band and I must hurry home. All four kiddies 
have the whooping cough ! Good-night ! " 

(Waitinground noiv comes down right so he stands 
almost in front of Miss Pringle's dressing- 
room door, and she, taking the center of the 
" off-stage " section, makes her speech. She 
does it in a very society veice and tremendous 
manner, and says " good-night " with a charm- 
ing smile and elegantly szveeps off into her 
dressing-room. Waitinground gazes after 
her in dismay, and zvith disappointment on his 
face, looks from her dressing-rgom door over 
tozvard the Prompter zvho is sitti^tg on the 
chair zvith his zvig off holding his helmet and 
fanning himself zvith a prompt book. Then he 
bozvs his head slowly and suddenly sees the 
flozvers which enrage him, and very suddenly 
so as to be a complete surprise he throzifs them 
at the Officer and exits quickly, as the Offi- 
cer turns suddenly and has his back to the audi- 
ence, George speaks the last line of the play.) 

George. Now about this dog! - 

Quick Curtain. 



uiBR««^ °l«SSm« 





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